Most couples stand before friends and family and vow to love each other selflessly. Yet the vows can be like christmas lights on a tree. The lights twinkle and sparkle and dazzle yet underneath the light lurks the smell of death-a dead tree, or even worse, a fake tree.
Given enough time the decaying tree and the warmth of the lights could produce a deadly fire and often does at least 400 times each season. Unfortunately the vows and the death that exist under them cost many marriages their lives and the collateral damage is huge.
The reality is that most couples agree that they each make the other happy and they hope that will last as long as they live. It doesn’t! So now what do we do. Several strategies emerge:
- Find someone who does make me happy
- Convince yourself that this is the way it is so get used to it
- Commit yourself to making your spouse shape up or else
- Numb out and find other sources to make you happy
When two live in such close proximity to one another there is bound to be trouble. So what happens when my needs aren’t being met by my spouse. Jesus gives a good way to handle conflict in Matthew 18 when he says if you have trouble with someone go to them. I know it sounds novel but talking to your spouse might be a first step.
Sometimes verbal communication can be tough. One partner is much better verbally than the other so an inequity is created just by choosing the communication style. If that be the case then write it out if it takes that. Put it down on paper so your spouse can read it and develop a reaction without feeling the pressure.
Another novel idea is challenging your thinking. What if God put you in this relationship to show you some really ugly stuff about yourself? What if this relationship is not about what you get but what you give? That sounds like self annihlation I know but Jesus uses this counterintuitive thinking when he says to save your life you’ve got to lose it.
In January I jump off the highest bungi jump in the world. Bloukrans Bridge is 720 ft above just about nothing. I knew I had to jump on many different levels not the least of which was my two sons who accompanied me.
I found a t-shirt that said it all after I jumped-Fear is momentary, regret is forever. So many marriages fail to lean into the fearful place of coming to realize that the happiness they sought was not in getting it from one another but actually giving their lives to each other-Denying themselves and watching what happens when you seek to give rather than get.
Maybe Jesus knew what he was talking about.
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